Hospitals ARE like zoo's

I have been lucky enough to have been to two good zoo's this year, the Smithsonian Zoo in DC, and the zoo in Portland, Oregon.

As fall hits, and the holidays are rolling closer, my brain started thinking about zoo rules, though, and how they should apply to hospitals.

The first one I thought of, was "Don't feed the inmates. Er. I mean Staff.
Now. I am sure that many of you like the fact that around the holidays, all kinds of goodies usually roll in. However, look at what does traditionally come.
See's candy. Weight gain in a box. Yes, it's nice to have chocolate around sometimes. But a never ending stream of See's is deadly. It's like leaving an open box of potato chips out. Most of us are usually flinching by morning when we walk past the box. And we all squabble over certain pieces. Plus. After it's been open for awhile, don't you start to wonder where some of your co workers hands have been after they've touched every piece in the box, searching for the right piece? Why can't Mrs. See put a 'candy map' in the *&Y&%$ box!
Another food choice? Some of our doc's (the GI group, believe it or not) try to give us something healthy. Rubbery dried fruit in a basket. Okay. God did not create fruit to be rubber. 'Nuff said. I'd even prefer some fresh fruit to this, or the See's, for that matter.
And, the ever present cookies. I feel kind of funny about eating cookies made in a kitchen of some people I really don't know. Call me suspicious, and maybe over picky. But I've never been in their kitchen, or anywhere near their house. Just because you LOOK clean and tidy doesn't mean you don't have salmonella and pseudomonas crawling all over your counter-tops. Sorry.
Occasionally, Popcorn, and Coffee makes its way to night shift. But Popcorn ALWAYS burns in a hospital microwave. Even if you only cook the bag for 10 seconds, there is always the burnt lump, right in the middle of the bag. I will not complain about the coffee, though, unless its flavored. (blech.)
Okay, enough about food.
Another rule? Don't touch or pet the inmates. (yeah, I know, staff). Just like you can't pet the animals, you SHOULD NOT pet the staff. Patient's hands go into all kinds of things. Jello, pudding, (I hope that's pudding) and all the other nasty germy things that live in hospital rooms. I do not want you to reach up gently and pat my face (ESPECIALLY MY FACE!)or touch my hair, or pat my bottom ect. ect. ect.
And lately, the rule at the zoo's I've been to is no straws. They don't want the animals choking on them. Makes sense to me. But straws in a hospital are important, so I guess we can throw that one out.
Another comparison between a zoo and a hospital. The laypeople, wandering the hallways,(or in my circular ICU) looking into other rooms like they are going to see something rare and exiting.
-Oooh, look honey! The rare and exiting septic patient with a Swan-Ganz catheter! I hope we are in time to watch the nurses take the readings! Maybe they will let us help with the Wedge!
Or, how about
Damn! must be a slow day at Podunk. All we have are the garden variety COPD'ers, withdrawing drunks, and a Fentanyl patch eater. Ah well, at least the patch eater ate a DIRTY patch that she got out of her friends garbage. That makes it a little more rare. Maybe she'll retch and we can have a picture. Oh, she has a go-lytely drip via NGT to rinse out the charcoal! Maybe this isn't so bad after all!
Oh, look over there! A man getting a Respiratory Treatment! Quick! Let's go see if we can get the RT to throw sputum at us by heckling him!
And, I have an idea about how we can make some peanut money. Make the SNF the petting zoo. Most of the patients there LOVE human contact. And the lay people can coo and ooh and ahhh over all the patients they wish to.
So, zoo, hospital. Meh. One and the same in my mind today.